Daily, infant loss, Joshua, Letters to Josh

Four

Four. Today you should be turning 4. There should be balloons and cake and presents and a trip to one of your favorite places. I wonder what that would be... There should be lots of giggles and hugs and sweet birthday wishes for our getting so big too fast birthday boy. Instead I'm here, just… Continue reading Four

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Baby Loss, infant loss, Joshua

The Cardinal

Tuesday night, after work, on my way to pick up Madeline from daycare, I found myself in tears.  I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that I have to pass two cemeteries on my way home each day.  The cemetery where my Joshua is buried and the cemetery where my Grandma Jones is buried (along with my… Continue reading The Cardinal

Baby Loss, Daily, Joshua, Parenting After Loss

2 Years Without Him

I'm sitting here watching the Academy Awards with Patrick and Madeline. My mind keeps flashing back to 2 years ago, sitting in the hospital room, absentmindedly watching the Oscars trying to feel "normal." We ordered pizza and sat there staring at the tv. I let the mix of pain meds and Xanax take over and… Continue reading 2 Years Without Him

Baby Loss, Daily, Joshua, Letters to Josh, Monthly Letters

Two Years

Dear Sweet Joshua, Today you would be 2 years old. I want nothing more than to be planning a birthday party. Probably TMNT themed thanks to your dad's influence. I want to bake you a cake and watch you blow out the candles. I want to spoil you with presents and shower you with kisses… Continue reading Two Years

Baby Loss, Daily, Joshua

Surviving

I feel like this week is going to suffocate me. I see those dates on my calendar and I just want to hide under the covers until March. I've been feeling these days coming for weeks. Now they are here. How exactly do you honor your child's 2nd birthday when he is not here to… Continue reading Surviving

Baby Loss, Daily, Holidays, Joshua, Madeline, Parenting After Loss

There Should Be More

All my life I was raised to be grateful for what I had. This was especially true at Christmas. I may not have always gotten every gift that I had on my wish list, but my mom worked hard to ensure that my Christmas was always magical. I know we live in a society that… Continue reading There Should Be More

Baby Loss, Daily, Joshua, Parenting After Loss

Just Barely

I'm barely hanging on. I know this.  It's been like this for months.  The weather got cold and suddenly it felt like February 22nd all over again.  I feel like I'm stuck in my own awful version of Groundhog Day.  Reliving those moments over and over again every time I'm alone for a minute. I… Continue reading Just Barely