Baby Loss, Daily, Joshua, Parenting After Loss

Just Barely

I'm barely hanging on. I know this.  It's been like this for months.  The weather got cold and suddenly it felt like February 22nd all over again.  I feel like I'm stuck in my own awful version of Groundhog Day.  Reliving those moments over and over again every time I'm alone for a minute. I… Continue reading Just Barely

Daily, Parenting After Loss, Pregnancy After Loss

Overcoming the Fear

As I saw this come across my Facebook wall this morning, I couldn't help but think of this in terms of my pregnancy with Madeline after losing Joshua. Losing Joshua was a horrible, awful nightmare.  It was my world crumbling.  It was life crashing down around me.  It was dreams ending.  It was the worst… Continue reading Overcoming the Fear


1 Year

My Dear Joshua Patrick, My sweet boy, oh how I miss you and wish you were here with us today.  I would have baked you your very first birthday cake and laughed as you smeared the blue and white frosting across your face as you tried to mash the vanilla cake into your open mouth… Continue reading 1 Year


Shattered, but slowly gluing the pieces back together

This is where I am.  Shattered, but slowly gluing the pieces back together.  Scared out of my mind.  Trying my best to not let fear consume me and steal away the joy that I feel.  Nothing about this is easy.  Everyday is terrifying and I feel like I'm holding my breath just waiting.  Every doctor's… Continue reading Shattered, but slowly gluing the pieces back together


“And I’ll know every tear was worth it all”

A couple months ago a friend posted a link to a video of a Shane & Shane song on Facebook.  I listened to it and then I listened to it again...and again.  Each time more and more of it sinking in, touching the broken parts of my heart.I began to sing along.  "Though You slay… Continue reading “And I’ll know every tear was worth it all”


The Weight of Grief

I'm guessing it's all of the rapidly approaching holidays, or maybe it's just the seasons changing. Whatever "it" is, I've noticed the grief deepening lately. The heavy weight of the hurt and the ache has slowly been building. The tears have been falling all too easily. I'm sure some of that is just pregnancy hormones… Continue reading The Weight of Grief


Innocence Lost

It's surreal to think that this time last year I was pregnant with our first child. I was almost 12 weeks along. Nearing the end of the first trimester. I was looking forward to finding out the gender and to the end of morning sickness. Everyone (doctor included) kept saying how our risks of a… Continue reading Innocence Lost


Capture Your Grief Project

In 1988 President Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. "When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them."  - President Reagan… Continue reading Capture Your Grief Project


These Days

These days I am still breathing. Trust me when I say that that is an accomplishment. These days I am trying to choose joy over the grief. Some days I fail miserably at this. These days my grief has become more internal. I don't (usually) cry unless I'm alone or with only Patrick. I try… Continue reading These Days


Faith Sustains

When everything else has been torn from us, we are left with nothing but our faith. It is our faith that sustains us. It is our faith that strengthens us. It is our faith that gets us through each day. In the last seven months I have had everything I hoped for, dreamed of, and… Continue reading Faith Sustains