5. Tomorrow you should be five. This year words feel inadequate for how I’m feeling. I had a bit of a nervous breakdown yesterday. My emotions got the better of of me. I took a pill and now I just feel numb. I don’t want to feel this week. I don’t want to think about the party I’m not throwing. The cake I’m not baking. The presents I’m not wrapping. I don’t want to think about the boy who isn’t here causing joy and mischief all in the same moment. It all just hurts too much. Five. Why does that number feel so big?