Lately, the weather has been beyond cold. When you start getting excited about it finally being 20 degrees, you know it’s been just too dang cold.
Of course, with the cold has come little bursts of snow. Nothing major, but still. Seeing that layer of white cover the ground. Feeling that cold air freeze my nose and fingers. It hurts. And not just in the I think I’m starting to get frostbite kind of way.
It hurts somewhere deep inside.
It’s like all of the memories of everything that went wrong, all of the memories of sitting in front of a small white casket in the freezing cold, they all come back with each snowflake that falls.
My energy changes. The holidays were a distraction. It was easy to stay focused on Madeline and my husband during the holidays. I kept myself busy with game nights, movie nights, and projects.
Now the holidays are over and I know February is inching ever closer and my heart just hurts.
I hear myself getting frustrated with Madeline over things that I normally have more patience for. She wouldn’t put her shoes on this morning, and I know I was short with her. I shouldn’t have been. I gave her some extras hugs and kisses before dropping her off at school this morning. I’m not sure that made up for it, but I’m trying.
I’m trying to focus on her. Our precious little rainbow girl. I’m trying to focus on my husband. I wouldn’t survive without him most days. I’m just trying to focus on anything that lets me forget for a moment that Joshua should be turning five next month.
I should be thinking about kindergarten registration and be asking him what kind of party he wants this year. I should be planning to make his favorite cake and mailing invitations to his friends. Instead, I don’t know what his favorite cake is. My house won’t be filled with a bunch of rowdy five-year-olds all playing superheroes and trading stories.
February 20th will come and Patrick and I will remember him. We will wonder together what he would look like today. What he would be asking for his birthday. We will hug his little sister a little tighter that day. We will do things a little slower. We will take the time to remember what should be.