Our family always does holidays big.
Patrick and I are continually trying to make sure that Madeline can look back on her childhood and see the magic. We want her to have memories of all of the special traditions that we have started with her and will continue for years to come.
Halloween is no exception.
This past month we have gone to the pumpkin patch to pick out the perfect pumpkins. We have painted pumpkins. We have done Halloween themed crafts and made treats. We have gone to our town’s yearly Pumpkins on Parade. We have visited fall festivals, Halloween parades, and trunk-or-treats. We have gone to Boo at the Zoo and played dress-up for days at a time. Tonight we will trick-or-treat and pass out treats of our own. We have created amazing memories with our brave little Supergirl.
All throughout all of these special moments, there is that one piece missing.
That one piece of our family that is always missing, yet we feel it all that more intensely during these special holiday moments. Joshua.
We always miss him, every moment of every day.
But these holidays.
These special, magical, amazing family moments we get to have with his little sister make his absence felt even more than usual.
We have four years of adorable photos of our sweet girl dressed up as a ladybug, a black cat, Princess Sophia, and Supergirl. With each costume, I wonder what her big brother would have wanted to be. Batman, a Ninja Turtle, a Ghostbuster, a dinosaur, Superman to match his little sister…
I look at the matching sibling costumes that my friends post, I see the adorable Poppy and Branch Trolls costumes, the Catboy and Owlette PJ Masks outfits, and my heart wonders if Josh and Maddy would have wanted to dress-up together.
The very first thing I ever bought for Joshua when I was pregnant with him was a pair of My First Halloween pajamas. We didn’t even know if he was a little girl or boy at that point, but I saw the soft pumpkin covered pajamas and just knew that our baby had to have them. When we dressed his sister in them two years later, my heart ached to know that this was not the way I wanted to be passing down his things…unused.
That feeling of missing is always there, but these holidays…they make it especially hard to fight back the tears and the longing to know just who he would be now.