Feeling Understood


“Let her sleep. For when she wakes, she will move mountains.”

Often I find myself just staring at this beautiful little baby girl that God as trusted me with, and I am just so overtaken with emotion.

This precious child fills my heart with so much love and so much joy that it often brings me to tears. I look at Madeline and I know that she is going to change the world. My daily prayer is that she will grow into a woman with a compassionate heart, a desire to help others, and the ability to make a positive change in this world, and I believe that she will.


We went to a new pediatrician yesterday.

I just didn’t feel like I was being heard by the previous doctor.

I had asked around about pediatricians in the area and a girl at Patrick’s work recommended this particular office. I called a couple weeks ago to schedule a well visit appointment. After I asked the scheduling nurse a couple of questions, she asked if there was anything else they needed to know that might effect Madeline’s care. I paused, and then said well maybe.

I explained that Maddy had an older brother. I told a brief version of what had happened and explained that this was why I felt the need to be extra cautious with Maddy. The nurse told me that she too had lost a child many years ago and so she understood. She then told me that she had the perfect doctor for us.

At our appointment yesterday, I learned that our new doctor had lost her first child, a boy, in February 10 years ago. She understood.

I am always so sad to hear that others have had to say goodbye to their children far too soon, but as many loss mommas know, it is nice to have someone who gets it.

She told me about her family and about her son. She told me that her children, born after the loss of their son, talk about their brother often. She told me how her own pregnancy after loss was terrifying, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. She told me about how those fears and anxieties stayed with her after her first daughter was born. She told me that she understood my need to check on Maddy constantly while she sleeps. She told me that it will get easier. It won’t always seem so terrifying, but that we will always have that knowledge that fluke things do happen – they happened to us already.

It is such a relief to have someone who understands why I worry about every slight fever. Why I research each vaccine and want to be selective with what is given to my child. She gets it. She’s been there and she understands that I’m not just being a crazy, neurotic mom, I have a genuine and justifiable fear.

Joshua’s short life has a huge impact on how I’m choosing to raise Madeline. I am more cautious than I probably would have been otherwise, but it also makes me take the time to fully appreciate every moment.

Every smile and giggle is something I treasure. As I watch her the gentle rise and fall of each breath as she sleeps, I thank God for this amazing gift. As she wakes up early each morning and I pull her into bed next to me and she cuddles in as she nurses, I know just how blessed I am to have her there with me. I pray I never take these precious moments for granted.


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