Shattered, but slowly gluing the pieces back together

This is where I am.  Shattered, but slowly gluing the pieces back together.  Scared out of my mind.  Trying my best to not let fear consume me and steal away the joy that I feel.  Nothing about this is easy.  Everyday is terrifying and I feel like I’m holding my breath just waiting.  Every doctor’s appointment, every ultrasound, every blood pressure check instills a fear deep within my soul that is impossible to ignore.  I know the answer to the what-ifs.  God, just get me to April and to our daughter safe in my arms where she belongs.  This is my every prayer.
“When you lose something that you love so fiercely and so dearly, it shatters all of you. And when you slowly glue the pieces back together one by one, piece by piece…. then, when you are finally put back together… you’re different. The scars are a constant reminder of not only what was lost but also what all you have to lose. “
“I often get asked about how my pregnancy with Apple was after our loss. It was terrifying, it was different. The first two I had a clueless confidence, I didn’t realize the fragility of what I had…how it could be gone in an instant with no warning signs. I was glowing and beaming and never for a second thought about anything going wrong before our loss. But with Apple, I carried that. Every sonogram my knees shook in the waiting room, my prayers poured out at night to protect her and keep her with us. I fought fear until the moment she was in my arms.”

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