I have a confession.
We had our 16 week appointment yesterday, and while to most people around me I was beyond excited (and I really was), inside I was terrified.
I try to stay positive. I try to keep my faith. But truthfully, everyday is a struggle.
Despite feeling the baby move while my husband drove us to our appointment yesterday, I still has this all-consuming fear that would not be stilled until I saw our sweet baby wiggling around on that ultrasound screen. I don’t know that I breathed until I saw and heard the heartbeat.
For the last 8+ months I have been swimming in a deep sea of grief. I have struggled with my faith more than I have let on. I have been drowning.
Now, here I am.
I’m pregnant again with a baby that we already love beyond any measure, and I’m terrified. The what-ifs that run through my mind on a daily basis are impossible to shut out.
People like to say lightening doesn’t strike twice, except it does. And I’m scared.
I know some fear is natural in any pregnancy, but the fear that comes in a pregnancy after a loss is big. It’s hard to get to a place that feels safe. We made all of those milestones with Josh too. 12 weeks, 24 weeks, 3rd trimester. He was even heathy when he was born. An APGAR of 9 tells us that. I’m just finding it difficult to relax and not worry.
My newest motto is, “I’m not going to worry about it, until I have to worry about it.”
I’m trying. I really am. I wish there was a magic solution. I wish there was a simple answer or even just a way to take a quick peak into the future so we could know what is coming.
For now, I’m trying to just keep breathing. I’m trying to enjoy these quiet moments with my husband while our sweet baby grows strong inside my belly. I’m trying to cherish each kick and roll I feel. I’m trying to embrace the joy and block out the fear.
It’s much easier said than done…