The Weight of Grief

I’m guessing it’s all of the rapidly approaching holidays, or maybe it’s just the seasons changing. Whatever “it” is, I’ve noticed the grief deepening lately. The heavy weight of the hurt and the ache has slowly been building.

The tears have been falling all too easily. I’m sure some of that is just pregnancy hormones making everything in life feel so much more dramatic and intense.

I’m not sure exactly what it is. Maybe it’s just that we were here last year. Pregnant. Waiting to find out the gender. Anticipating. It all feels so familiar and yet so different. This time there is worry and fear and a bittersweet longing that wasn’t there before.

Yes, we are beyond thrilled to be expecting our baby, but we really wish that we had Josh here keeping us up at night.

Yes, we are excited to find out the gender, but when I saw the “World’s best little sister/brother” shirts at the store last weekend, Patrick had to hold me so I wouldn’t fall apart in the middle of JC Penney.

Yes, we ready for the holidays, but we’re sad that we are not picking out Josh’s first Halloween costume and getting ready for his first Thanksgiving and buying Christmas presents.

Yes, we already love this baby more than we can imagine, but there is no one that will ever take away the love we have for Josh.

Some days it just feels like a bit too much.  I wish it wasn’t this hard.  I wish I could get through a day with out the fear and the worry hitting so hard.  I wish…

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