Hi. Bet you thought I forgot all about this blog. I know it’s been a while. I’ve been busy…trying to balance grief and everyday life is a full time job and honestly I needed a vacation. I needed time to figure out this next stage in our journey.
There has been so much going on inside my head and my heart but the words and time it takes to express them are lacking.
I’m still here. We’re still breathing. Life for all intents and purposes is actually good. We have our moments of overwhelming grief and tears, but they are becoming easier to handle. We are no longer completely floored by the weight of the loss.
We know we will always long for our first born son, but his short life has begun to bring more smiles than tears when we speak. Despite his brief 36 hours on this earth, his impact is profound. Joshua Patrick Denney is still touching the lives of many and I will make it my mission in life to make sure that his short, sweet, precious life makes a difference in our world.
I want to do something to honor him. Something that can help other families touched by preeclampsia, NICU stays, or loss. I’m not sure what exactly that means yet, but I’ve got several ideas floating around inside my head. I know that this experience is something I can use to help others and that is my desire.
At the end of the day there is no amount of prayers or tears that can turn back the hands of time and make this wrong right. So we move forward. We don’t move on. That’s impossible. Moving on would imply that Josh is something we can “get over.” That’s a crazy thought. Who gets over their child? No. It is about moving forward. Carrying him with is in all we do. Living our lives in a way that honors and remembers him.
So here I stand. Stronger than I ever knew I could be with more love in my heart than I know what to do with.
The dark clouds of grief and depression seem to be lifting and I can see the sun shining through. It is a beautiful sight.