Joy and grief dance around together inside my heart. Each one trying to take the lead. It is an unusual feeling to be both happy and sad at the very same moment. Every milestone brings a smile and a tear.
The memories of carrying Joshua inside my womb are still so fresh…so raw. The day we found out we were expecting, the day we first heard his heartbeat, when we first saw him on the ultrasound, the ways we told our families, the special onesie I made for our nephew announcing that he was getting a cousin, the nervous, joyful anticipation of being first time parents. It’s all right there – fresh in my mind. After all, that journey began less than a year ago.
I would give anything to feel that innocence again. To feel the pure joy and hope that we felt last August. I would give anything to not know this feeling of pain, agony, sorrow, utter emptiness that has been a daily reminder of what we lost in February.
Now, there is so much joy mixed with so much grief.
It’s a sacred dance they do within my soul.
There is joy in knowing that there is new life growing inside me once again. There is grief in knowing that Joshua will never meet his brother or sister this side of heaven.
In my nightstand drawer there are four positive pregnancy tests, each marked with the date I took them. There are two that were taken last week, confirming what we had suspected. Then there are two that were taken last August, tangible reminders of the joy we had when we found out we were pregnant for the first time.
Joy and grief.
Love and sorrow.
Peace and pain.
They are all here. Present and accounted for. They weave themselves together to a point that when the tears fall I’m not always sure why. A beautiful sacred dance that can only come through a rainbow pregnancy.