Right Where I Am: 20 weeks 1 day

Today I’m Guest Posting over at Loss Through the Looking Glass about where I am today in this journey through loss.

Today, I am stronger than I ever thought possible.

Today, I am weaker than I ever knew.

I am thankful and blessed for what was… almost.

I am broken and sad for what it now isn’t.

In those first hours and days I felt numb.  It was hard to fully accept that going forward our lives would not include Joshua in the way that we had hoped.  Sure, we would always carry him with us in our hearts, but it was our arms that longed to hold him.  Those first few days were such a blur.  There were lots of tears, little sleep, and so much pain – physically, mentally, emotionally.  Everything thing hurt including my soul.  After everything we went through, for this to be how it ended just seemed so very wrong.  We were devastated in the worst possible way.  We were prepared for a baby not for this.

The numbness wore off and gave way to anger. Anger that this was our life now. Anger that we knew mistakes were made by the hospital, by doctors. Anger that we couldn’t stop it. Anger that God let us down. Anger that all the thousands of prayers that were spoken for Joshua just weren’t enough. Anger that we were being forced to plan a funeral instead of a baby shower.

Today, I still have moments and days where I feel nothing but anger. Anger has been such a new emotion for me. I’ve always been positive, encouraging, optimistic – never angry and bitter. I’m still trying to navigate these new waters. Anger is not my friend – that much I know for sure. Anger is like a giant wave pulling me under, consuming me. When it hits, it makes it hard to breathe. It’s hard to think. It’s hard to keep swimming forward. It pulls me back into that darkness of those first minutes and days and I have to fight hard to keep my head above the water.

Right now, I’m still swimming…

Read more at: Loss Through the Looking Glass

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