We are Okay

It seems like everyone around us has an opinion about how we “should” be dealing with Josh’s death. I hear everything from; “you guys are so strong” to “you guys should really be going to a support group/counselor/psychologist…”

The truth is we are okay.

We are handling things the best way we know how…together.

You will see us however you want to see us, but we live this everyday and we know which days are our good days and which days are our bad days. You may see me cry for a minute and think that surely today is a bad day, when honestly it’s a good one. There is no handbook for this kind of thing. Sure there are books written about grief and books written about losing a child, but they are all different because everyone handles this stuff differently.

Patrick and I are okay. We are going to be good…with time. It seems like some people feel like enough time has past that we should be moving along with our lives. To them I say, it hasn’t even been 5 months, people. There are plenty of days where we are going to sit here and dwell on what we have lost, what we should have. But the thing is that’s okay. It’s okay for us to not want to hear about the cute thing that your baby just did. It’s okay. It doesn’t mean we don’t care about you and your child, because we do. It doesn’t mean that we would ever wish anything bad for you, because we never want anyone to feel this ache let alone our friends and family. What it does mean is that life is still hard for us right now and that’s okay.

Things will get better. I know this. It won’t always be this hard. It won’t always feel this raw.

Right now you may see us as broken, but I promise you we are healing.

This is not what we planned, but this is what we got and we are doing the best we can.

We cry a little easier. We laugh a little less. We love a lot deeper. We cherish each moment. We are okay. We are still breathing. We are still standing. And most importantly we are still we.

Thank you for caring about us. Thank you for standing by us through everything good and horrible. Thank you for loving us.

We are okay. We are going to be great.



1 thought on “We are Okay”

  1. My husband and I (also a Josh, GREAT name for GREAT guys :-)) had a lot of what we thought were good relationships fall by the wayside because of others expectations for us. Expectations for how long we should grieve, expectations for how they thought our losses should affect/not affect our life, expectations for future children and when/how we should have them and parent them, and the most jarring were the expectations that we would go back to being the same ole Melanie and Josh that we were before Ian. At a certain point we had to start protecting ourselves and telling people “Hey, we will do this in our own time, in our own way, and we will NEVER be the same people again. If you don’t like any of that, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” Well, my parents didn’t like the sound of that, called us faithless and weak, and we haven’t spoken to them in five years. I’m sure it was hard to watch their adult child going through this pain, but what they did was inexcusable. Their expectations were killing me. I was suicidal when they were in my life. So this is how it has to be. It sucks all around and I hope you don’t experience this with people so close to you but I’m saying all of this so that you don’t feel alone with these dynamics that can happen in our lives after losing a baby. At some point you have to do what will preserve yourselves and your marriage. It sounds like you are doing just that! Good for you :-) I used to get so wound up in why others were reacting to me and my pain a certain way, was it because they are uncomfortable with death and long term grief, is it because we were a burden to them, is it because they went through something similar, is it due to their religious beliefs, is it due to ignorance and I would bend over backwards trying to figure it out and “fixing” myself accordingly… and it was destroying me. Thank you for sharing this blog that addresses so much that is unspoken or passed by or ignored, etc. Thinking of you always.


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