Today is exactly 2 months since our due date.
Today is 19 weeks since Joshua’s birthday.
Today I received the call that his gravestone has been placed.
God, this is not how this was supposed to be…
The rest of the world continues on and I’m stuck here living this nightmare over and over again. I want out. I want to wake up and this to not be real. I don’t want this to be a part of our lives. I don’t want this sad chapter in our story. I know I’m fighting depression. I have days where I feel like it is swallowing me whole. Today is one of those days. Yesterday was too. I’m trying. I’m trying to fight against it, but lately it feels like I’m losing. The pain is so great and so deep that it’s impossible to ignore even on the best of days. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to stay strong when I feel so weak. Days like today make me feel like this pain is never going to let up and it hurts. Everything hurts.
You know how in movies when there is a really pivotal moment they will sometimes show the main character just standing still as everything around them flies by in a complete blur? Yeah, that’s how I feel. I watch everything spin around past me and I’m just here – motionless – unable to move – frozen by an all-consuming grief. I watch my friends move on with their lives. I see pregnancy announcements and new baby photos fill my timeline and yet I’m just here, longing to feel anything that resembles joy. I feel like an awful person, because most of the time I hit block on those precious baby photos – hiding them away from my teary eyes. I can’t bring myself to say congratulations. My pain right now outweighs my joy for them. I hope they understand.
We went to the doctor yesterday. This is the 4th doctor I’ve seen since February and that’s not counting the psychiatrist, the psychologist, and the counselor. This time it was a visit with the perinatologist (high-risk OB). We have a game plan. Blood tests are being ordered. Extra vitamins and a baby aspirin will be taken. We are smarter. We have better doctors. Next time will be different. Next time has to be different. The same mistakes will not be made this next time around. I will trust my body. I will trust my intuition and instincts. I refuse to let anyone touch me without a full explanation of what their plan is and a full understanding of all possible outcomes. I’m no longer naive. I’m no longer innocent. I’m no longer trusting of those who we should be able to trust. We have a timeline. No I will not share it. Somethings are just for Patrick and me. Prayers and good thoughts are appreciated. The fear of moving forward is just as scary as being stuck in this moment.