Constant Questions

I can’t stop asking why…

I know life isn’t fair.

I know we don’t always get what we want.

I know that even if we do everything right that doesn’t guarantee a good outcome.

I know God is in control.

I know that everything happens for a reason.

But none of that makes this any easier…

The questions keep rolling through my brain.  Weighing me down.  The constant nagging knowledge that a doctor made a mistake.  That things weren’t done the way they should have been.  Would it have made a difference?  If we had been at the hospital we were supposed to be at, if we would have had a different doctor, if the neonatologist hadn’t been snowed in and away from the hospital, if we would have just waited one more day…

Would any of it made a difference?

Would Joshua still be here today?


Maybe not.

I don’t know.  I suppose I never will know the answers.  Even if I did, I’m not sure I could live with that truth.

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