Fear and Panic

This week has been so emotional and it’s not over yet…

Monday night I decided that I was going to go get a long overdue haircut and even add some highlights – I was feeling the need for a change.

While at the salon, I discover that my stylist is about 7 months pregnant.  Awesome.  :/  Then while I’m waiting there with foils stuck all throughout my hair, I see a woman walk in who basically looks like she is ready to give birth any minute now.  I listened to all the congratulations as I bit my lip.  Then, as if that wasn’t awesome enough, the lady next to me kept talking about how her son and his wife were expecting in September and that they were just so excited.  I focused on my phone, trying hard to fight back the tears that were welling up behind my eyes.

Normal people smile at a pregnant belly.  Normal people say congratulations.  Normal people don’t feel the urge to cry and scream every time they hear the words baby, mommy, or daddy.  Normal…  I’ve run so far in the opposite direction from normal that I don’t even know how to get back there.

Little did I know that that was only the beginning and that as hard as I was trying to prevent it, I was going to end up a hysterical mess right there in the middle of Beauty Brands.

While I was fighting the tears and staring at my phone, it rang.  Immediately my stomach knotted.  It was my niece and I could hear her tears as I said hello.  She proceeded to tell me that my sister (her mom) and my mom were just in a bad wreck and they were both hurt and being taken to the emergency room.  Apparently I yelled.  I don’t really remember.

I just remember trying to quickly call Patrick, I kept pushing all the wrong numbers on my phone as my hands shook.  I was sitting there with foils still in my hair as the stylists quickly tried to pull them out and rinse out the color.

It was quite the scene and I hate making a scene.

All I could think about was a conversation with my mom from Saturday night.  We were talking about Josh and how much we both missed him.  I joked that since she is obviously older, she is going to get to see him again sooner than me.  Those words just kept ringing in my ears.  Please, not this soon.  I prayed out loud.  Half forgetting where I was.

I spent the next hour trying to get an update.  Calling the hospital emergency room only to be told that they couldn’t tell me anything…not even if they were okay.  I spent the next hour panicked that after losing Josh in February, I was going to lose my mom or sister too.

Thankfully, they are both okay.  My sister has a concussion and is needing more x-rays to rule out a fractured arm and collarbone.  My mom is bruised up and can’t really move her right hand – still waiting to find out if there is a fracture there.  But they are okay.  Thank God for the airbags and my sister’s quick reflexes – slamming on the breaks when some idiot decided to pull out in front of them on 65 Highway in Sedalia.  If she hadn’t, the truck most likely would have hit my sister’s van right where my mom was sitting… I try to not to think about what could have happened…

My niece, Kelsey, and I made our way down to Sedalia where upon seeing my mom and sister I kindly told them that they were not allowed to go play with Josh yet.

Even now, even knowing that they are both home and safe, I still find myself in a panic.  I close my eyes and I can hear those words replaying over and over in my mind…”bad wreck”  “both hurt…”

I talk a lot about how important my husband is to me and he is the number one person holding me together these days, but my mom and sister are close behind.  The fear I had Monday night at the thought that I might lose them still makes my stomach sick.

Ever since February, the fear of losing anyone else in my life has been overwhelming.  I have nightmares where I lose everyone around me.  My husband, my mom, my sisters, my nieces and nephews, my mother and father in-law…everyone.  It’s awful.  I never in a million years would have thought I would have to be picking out a casket for Joshua instead of baby clothes.  The fear of having to attend another funeral for someone in our family that I dearly love is paralyzing.

I still freak out if someone doesn’t answer the phone when I call.  If a text message is not returned I worry.  If someone is late getting home or meeting me somewhere I panic.  This is not normal.  I know this.  Like I said, I’ve gone so far away from normal.

I need to make another appointment with the counselor.  My anger seems to only come in waves now, but this sense of fear…  It is enough to swallow me whole most days.  The grief is always there.   Like a little cloud that follows me around.  Some days it lets the sun shine through and other days it brings a downpour.   Some days I feel like I am adjusting well.  I am getting used to this new “normal.”  I’m able to smile more often than cry.  Some days I able to see good.  Other days, there is nothing but grey.

It is hard to look at these past four months and see how anything good could ever happen through this nightmare. I continue to remind myself that God is still the same God that I believed in on February 19th.  He didn’t change even if my view of Him did.  I know He’s got this.  I may never understand the reasons.  I may never see any good that comes from this, but I will do my best to continue to trust.  I will do my best to continue to have faith.


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