That was the trouble



There is a BIG difference.

I keep getting stuck thinking about everything that is missing.  Everything that should be.

I didn’t want to say goodbye to Joshua.  I wanted to say hello.

I didn’t want to plan his funeral.  I wanted to finish planning his baby shower.

I didn’t want to pick out a tiny casket.  I wanted to pick out the perfect coming home outfit.

I didn’t want to design his headstone.  I wanted to design his nursery.

None of this is fair.  None of this is how it was supposed to be.  We did everything right.  We planned.  We were ready.  We were beyond ready.

Now we have a huge pile of baby stuff stacked up a corner of the basement that I avoid.

So not fair.  I feel like a stubborn child, stomping my feet and throwing a fit, yelling at God, “It’s not fair! It’s not fair! It’s not fair!”

I read the stories in the news of parents who beat their children.  Of parents that somehow, despite being completely unfit, were allowed to bring their baby home.  They were allowed to hold them and keep them, and yet we are here with empty arms.  Us, parents who would have done nothing but love our son, parents who would have done anything for him, and we are the ones that have to suffer.  I don’t understand.  I can’t make sense of it.  Any of it.  I don’t know why God would allow a child to go to parents that are going to harm them anymore than I can understand why God would allow a child to be taken from loving and good parents.

God’s ways are not our ways.

I keep repeating that.  Eventually, maybe, I will understand.  At least I hope that someday, at the end of everything, I will understand.  Right now, I’m just sad.  I’m sad that God’s way and God’s plan didn’t include Joshua in my arms.

This grieving mom gig is much harder than many people think.  It hasn’t even been 4 months and yet people still seem confused as to why I’m still so sad.  They don’t seem to understand why I cry so much.  They seem to want to put a time limit on my grief.  It’s crazy.  You would never ask someone with a living child how long they plan on loving their child.  So why do you wonder how long I plan on loving mine?  Joshua will always be my son.  He will always be my first born.  He will always be loved and he will always be missed.  Nothing will change that.  This grief doesn’t go away, it doesn’t get easier.  Eventually I will get used to it – maybe.  I will learn how to better handle the waves of grief as they come.  Maybe someday they won’t knock me down so often.  But that hole in my heart will always be there.  I wish people could get that…


9 thoughts on “That was the trouble”

  1. Awe hunny, I feel you and so many people start loosing their beliefs with the lord. Well, if you don’t believe in the lord / God then how is your baby an Angel? There would be no such thing. I wonder why me on my situation but I got to think the lord has a way, and it may have been the best for me. Us. I am sorry and I totally thank you for your time with your blogging. Big hugs if you need me you know where to find me.


  2. There are so many things about the death of a child that don’t make sense, that’s for sure. People who have not lost a child can never understand what it’s like because they haven’t “been there.” Because it’s something most people can’t imagine – and, frankly, wouldn’t want to – most people want to avoid the grief that surrounds the death of a child or try to “move on” and away from it as quickly as possible…and wish/expect you to do the same. You have to be true to yourself and to your grief, and give yourself all the time you need to fully grieve your loss. I’m sorry for your loss. I wouldn’t wish the death of a child – at any age – on anyone.


    1. Thank you. It is a fine line between being honest with myself and not burdening those around me with my grief. Still trying to find the balance and trying to remember that it is okay to say I’m not okay.


      1. Yes…I can truly relate, and I’m sure most bereaved parents would agree. The balance between being true to yourself and allowing your self to grieve honestly, and your grief not scaring away or burdening those around you is more tricky than any balancing act I know. No matter how much you try, there are some people who will not understand or can’t handle it. It’s okay…just let them go. You may find true friends who step up to fill the place. Hugs to you…


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