There is a BIG difference.
I keep getting stuck thinking about everything that is missing. Everything that should be.
I didn’t want to say goodbye to Joshua. I wanted to say hello.
I didn’t want to plan his funeral. I wanted to finish planning his baby shower.
I didn’t want to pick out a tiny casket. I wanted to pick out the perfect coming home outfit.
I didn’t want to design his headstone. I wanted to design his nursery.
None of this is fair. None of this is how it was supposed to be. We did everything right. We planned. We were ready. We were beyond ready.
Now we have a huge pile of baby stuff stacked up a corner of the basement that I avoid.
So not fair. I feel like a stubborn child, stomping my feet and throwing a fit, yelling at God, “It’s not fair! It’s not fair! It’s not fair!”
I read the stories in the news of parents who beat their children. Of parents that somehow, despite being completely unfit, were allowed to bring their baby home. They were allowed to hold them and keep them, and yet we are here with empty arms. Us, parents who would have done nothing but love our son, parents who would have done anything for him, and we are the ones that have to suffer. I don’t understand. I can’t make sense of it. Any of it. I don’t know why God would allow a child to go to parents that are going to harm them anymore than I can understand why God would allow a child to be taken from loving and good parents.
God’s ways are not our ways.
I keep repeating that. Eventually, maybe, I will understand. At least I hope that someday, at the end of everything, I will understand. Right now, I’m just sad. I’m sad that God’s way and God’s plan didn’t include Joshua in my arms.
This grieving mom gig is much harder than many people think. It hasn’t even been 4 months and yet people still seem confused as to why I’m still so sad. They don’t seem to understand why I cry so much. They seem to want to put a time limit on my grief. It’s crazy. You would never ask someone with a living child how long they plan on loving their child. So why do you wonder how long I plan on loving mine? Joshua will always be my son. He will always be my first born. He will always be loved and he will always be missed. Nothing will change that. This grief doesn’t go away, it doesn’t get easier. Eventually I will get used to it – maybe. I will learn how to better handle the waves of grief as they come. Maybe someday they won’t knock me down so often. But that hole in my heart will always be there. I wish people could get that…