I Used To

I used to be happy 99% of the time.

I used to make wishes on stars.

I used to sing happy songs.

I used to have dreams of what it would be like to be a mom.

I used to be able to work on 10 different things at once and still manage to get them all done.

I used to be able to believe that everything will be okay.

I used to be able to sleep at night.

I used to watch people hurting and offer some pretty lame advice about God’s plan and all things working together for good.

I used to see a newborn baby and smile with wonder.

I used to take things like joy, peace, and even God for granted.

I used to believe in God.

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Now I’m heartbroken 99% of the time.

Now I look at the stars and wonder if Josh is looking down and seeing me.

Now I listen to songs that make me cry.

Now I know what it’s like to be a mom without a baby to hold.

Now I can barely concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes.

Now I worry that nothing will ever be okay again.

Now I lay awake at night afraid to fall asleep, because the nightmares are too much.

Now I know how empty and even hurtful words can be with the loss is so great.

Now I cry when I see a baby and wonder if I will ever get the chance to have my own to hold and keep.

Now I know to cherish every second with those I love and to soak in the moments of joy and peace whenever they can be found.

Now I feel God around me.  I no longer just believe in Him, I know He is here and that He cares and that most days He is the only thing holding me together.