I used to be happy 99% of the time.
I used to make wishes on stars.
I used to sing happy songs.
I used to have dreams of what it would be like to be a mom.
I used to be able to work on 10 different things at once and still manage to get them all done.
I used to be able to believe that everything will be okay.
I used to be able to sleep at night.
I used to watch people hurting and offer some pretty lame advice about God’s plan and all things working together for good.
I used to see a newborn baby and smile with wonder.
I used to take things like joy, peace, and even God for granted.
I used to believe in God.
Now I’m heartbroken 99% of the time.
Now I look at the stars and wonder if Josh is looking down and seeing me.
Now I listen to songs that make me cry.
Now I know what it’s like to be a mom without a baby to hold.
Now I can barely concentrate on anything for more than 5 minutes.
Now I worry that nothing will ever be okay again.
Now I lay awake at night afraid to fall asleep, because the nightmares are too much.
Now I know how empty and even hurtful words can be with the loss is so great.
Now I cry when I see a baby and wonder if I will ever get the chance to have my own to hold and keep.
Now I know to cherish every second with those I love and to soak in the moments of joy and peace whenever they can be found.
Now I feel God around me. I no longer just believe in Him, I know He is here and that He cares and that most days He is the only thing holding me together.