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Home

Last summer when I first heard the song Home by Phillip Phillips, I fell in love with it.  The song had heavy radio play the whole time I was pregnant with Joshua. I would sing along each time, and I loved feeling Joshua kick and move around as I sang.  I figured he either enjoyed the song too or really didn’t like my singing.  Either way it quickly became “our song.”  I would sing it and imagine how soon I would rocking him to sleep. It would become his lullaby.

I even had this plan that we would take a picture of our new little family of three standing on our front porch steps the day we brought Josh home.  In my head I always pictured a warm and sunny May day.  It would be a perfect little moment as we brought our son, our first born, into our home, finally making our family feel complete.  We would take that photo, and I would place it in his scrapbook with the lyrics of the song next to it.  I was going to make our little 3 bedroom house Josh’s home.  That was the plan…

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave (wave) is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m gonna make this place your home

Of course life didn’t go as we had planned.  Instead of hurriedly packing a hospital bag, grabbing cameras, and cell phone chargers as we timed our contractions on a beautiful Spring day, we were admitted into labor & delivery following our regularly scheduled 29 week OB appointment on February 18th with a major snow storm headed our way.  It was two days later on the 20th that we would hear the words “pre-eclampsia,” “low amniotic fluid,” and “emergency c-section.”  The words all jumbled together. Nothing seemed to be making any sense.  I was scared and alone as I waited for my husband to get off work and come meet me at the hospital.  Just a few hours before I had sent him a text and told him that the doctor said I would most likely get to go home by Friday and that it was all going to be okay.  Now, I was calling him telling him to hurry up and get to the hospital, because they were about to take me back to the operating room and I couldn’t do this without him.

Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Patrick made it just in time to give me a quick kiss and a tight hug as we tearfully realized that this was not what we had planned.  That everything we had dreamed of was quickly being taken from us.  No natural delivery, no precious moment where we would meet our son for the first time and get to immediately hold him, kiss him, and love on him.  Our whole plan quickly went out the window and this new reality was terrifying.  Just that Monday I had met with a pediatrician that we were wanting to use for Joshua, instead we were being told of NICU stays and neonatologists.  How quickly life changed.  Joshua Patrick was born at 7:09 p.m. on Februaryy 20th, 2013.  He was 2 pounds, 11 ounces and 15 inches long with curly brown hair, dark brown eyes, and an amazing APGAR score of 8/9.  He was everything we could have ever hoped for.

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m gonna make this place your home

February 22nd, 2013 our whole world came crashing down as we held our perfect little fighter for the last time.  How quickly life changed in 36 hours.

I still find myself singing or humming “our song.” Patrick heard me the other day and asked if I knew what I was singing.  I said yes and explained to him that even though Joshua was no longer here, it was still our song.  That now instead of imagining all the times I would hold him and sing it to him, I imagine him singing it to me.  Josh is in our forever home and he is working on getting it ready for us when the day finally comes that we get to be with him again. I feel Josh with me so much these days.  The month of May has been hard – our due date, Mother’s Day, and even a walk to raise awareness for pre-eclampsia – the disease that took our baby boy from us.  When the days are hard, I feel him here with me.  I can hear him singing our song and I know we are going to be alright.

Settle down, it’ll all be clear
Don’t pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m gonna make this place your home

1 thought on “Home”

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