The last couple of years, Patrick and I have spent Memorial weekend driving from cemetery to cemetery placing flowers and remember our family that has gone before us, especially those who have served our country.
Last year we even went down to Springfield to decorate my great grandparents graves just like I used to do with my Grandma Jones when I was little.
Above is my Great, Great, Great Grandfather’s grave in National Cemetery in Springfield.
This year, it all felt just a little bit too overwhelming. We weren’t mentally prepared to be visiting the graves of those we love and miss so much. We had anticipated that we would be telling Josh stories of our grandfathers and all of the men in our family that have served our country. Instead, it’s our grandfathers that are probably/hopefully telling Josh stories of us. So instead, we took the long weekend as an opportunity to escape for a bit. We drove over to Columbia to stay at a cute little Bed & Breakfast and just get away from our house, our town, and just get out of our heads for a couple days. It was fun. It was hard. It was.
It’s always nice to have some extra time to spend with Patrick. Every second I’m with him, I swear I fall more and more in love with him.
We did our best to relax and enjoy our time together. It’s hard to ever really escape from everything when it follows you around in your head all day long. The anxiety is always there and nothing can ever take it away. The panic attacks happen daily. They never really seem to stop. I wish there was some magic switch that I could use to turn my mind down a couple notches.
The memories hurt.
The memories we never got to create hurt more.
I’m not sure how we are ever supposed to get used to this new life. It’s not what we wanted. It’s not what we planned. It’s not what we were prepared for. I see pain behind Patrick’s blue eyes when we see someone holding a baby, and it hurts. I wish more than anything that I could take his pain away.
The signs in the stores have all changed over from Mother’s Day to Father’s Day and I think that they seem to hurt more. I had so many great little surprises planned for Patrick’s first Father’s Day and now they will wait…until next year…until 2 years from now…until I don’t know when.
I wish I knew what was in store for us. I wish I could know that we would get our happily ever after and that we would get to raise our children and see our grandchildren grow 40 years down the road, but I’m learning that even if we plan for all of it, it might never happen and that scares me.
For now I will treasure every moment that I get to spend with my amazing husband. I will not take a single second for granted, because I know that I am truly lucky and blessed to have such an amazing man by my side.
Once again this post went somewhere completely different that what I had planned. My mind wanders and it’s hard to stay on topic. Sorry.
I guess what I’m trying to say is be thankful. Be thankful for each day that you are given with those you love. Be thankful for the vacations you get to take with your family and friends. Be thankful. We were never promised tomorrow. Make today count. Take the time to enjoy your families and your friends. Enjoy the cookouts, campfires, and fishing, but pause for a moment and remember all of those who are not able to celebrate today.
As for me, I’m going to enjoy what’s left of this weekend and try my best to relax and ease my mind knowing that our precious son is celebrating today with some pretty awesome soldiers who we just called Grandpa.