Having a hard day. Honestly, every day is hard. But today my heart feels so broken.
It has been 3 whole months since Joshua was born which means that Wednesday will mark 3 whole months since I last saw his perfect face. It’s been 3 months of tear-filled days and sleepless nights. It’s been 3 months of unbelievable heartbreak and ever deepening sorrow. It has been 3 months of questioning God’s ways and struggling with my faith. It has been 3 months of drawing closer to my husband than I ever thought possible. It has been 3 months of insurmountable grief. It has been 3 months.
I try and imagine what he would look like today. Would he be smiling? Holding his head up on his own? Would he like to be swaddled and rocked to sleep?
Being a grieving mom is hard work don’t let the lack of a baby in my arms make you think otherwise. I have trouble concentrating on anything for more than 15 minutes. I’m always exhausted. My mind is always filled with a million different thoughts. I’m always anxious. I haven’t slept all the way through the night since last September. I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally drained.
My thoughts are scattered. I have flashbacks to that week in the hospital and they make it impossible to catch my breath. Everything feels complicated and difficult. I worry about everything – constantly. I have nightmares where everyone I love tragically dies and I’m left alone and broken. The only time I feel half way whole is when I’m with Patrick. I honestly have no idea what I would do without him in my life, but I pray to God that I never have to find out. He is my heart, my soul, my world. I cherish every second I have with him.
I have an anxiety attack every time I see a tiny baby out in public. I always hold my breath and pray that they won’t cry, because that is what really breaks me. Those tiny little cries. I can’t breathe, my heart races, and everyone seems to be speeding past me as I’m stuck frozen in a moment.
I know I have to learn how to control these attacks. I’m going to go see a new counselor Wednesday morning. I pray that she is a “good fit” and that she can help me figure out what I’m supposed to be doing to cope with all of this, because it’s been 3 months and I’m just so lost…