I find myself deep in reflection tonight.
I keep thinking about tomorrow (Mother’s Day) and what it was supposed to be. There is this song by Steven Curtis Chapman, called With Hope. It begins by saying:
“This is not at all
How we thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams”
No truer words could ever be said to sum up my feelings right now.
When we found out we were due a week before Mother’s Day, it seemed simple enough in my head. I was excited when I saw how close our due date was to Mother’s Day, so naturally I assumed that I would be celebrating my very first Mother’s Day in 2013…
This really is not what I had in mind. I pictured a day filled with a sweet card from my husband, maybe some flowers, but most certainly a baby in my arms.
Yesterday I saw this on Twitter:
@codepnkbrknhrt Me either. :( Pretty sure that’s not the list I signed up for last August…
— Victoria Denney (@victoriadenney) May 11, 2013
Yep, pretty much.
I’m trying really hard to accept that this is what my first Mother’s Day looks like. I’ve got a heart filled with love mixed in with a lot of pain. I’ve got an empty crib that is packed away in the basement and a child sleeping in Heaven instead of the room down the hall.
I still seem to get caught in these moments where I just can’t believe that any of this is really happening.
I was by myself today, driving down the road headed home from an open house celebrating the high school graduation of one the girls from my old small group, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I would never get to see Joshua graduate. I would never get to celebrate that achievement. One more milestone that we will forever miss for our sweet boy.
Now, I’m not crazy. I know that this is real life and that my story now just has a really dark chapter that I will have to fight my way through. And I will. We will. I just still can’t help but wish that I could change it. That I could go back somehow and revise this part of the story and re-write it with a much happier ending.
I watched the Mother’s Day Google Hang Out tonight that the Still Project organized. It left me realizing that I am so not alone on this broken path. There are so many of you out there for who this day is broken and sad and not at all how you planned it to be, and for that I am just so very sorry.
I wish there was a way to erase all of the hurt and pain and sadness and grief that we are almost all feeling in one way or another, but I don’t know how. I do know that God can heal it and use it and redeem it. He can taken a broken heart and make it whole again. He can take hurt so deep within your soul and replace it with joy. He can make beauty from the ashes. I know He can. I just have to have faith and patience in His timing.
I am going to try my best to refocus my mind tomorrow. Instead of being sad for what the day is not, I am going to be grateful for the many blessings I do have in this world.
I have an amazing mother, who is always right there beside me when I need her most – something that I am so incredibly blessed to have.
I have two amazing sisters (Debbie & Cathy) who seem to always know when I need a phone call to cheer me up.
I have 3 beautiful nieces (Penny, Patty & Kelsey), 3 wonderful nephews (Kevin, Matt & Mason). I even have one super sweet great niece (Sarah). I have a niece (Christina) and nephew (Scott) who even though they are older than me still call me Aunt and have ever since their dad married my sister. Through them and their spouses I have one great nephew (David) and three great nieces (Faith, Grace & Joy – seriously how perfect are their names?). I have been called Aunt Vicky since I was 2. I am beyond blessed to have such an honor.
I have an awesome family filled with Aunts, Uncles, and so many cousins. Each and everyone of them has always made me feel so loved and I have been blessed to call them family.
I have the most wonderful husband that any girl could ask for. He is so kind and so gentle with me, even when his heart is breaking too, he is always there to hold me in his arms as I cry. I know these days are hard and for a lot of couples they would be a breaking point, but we seem to be drawing ever more closer through our shared grief. For that I am beyond blessed.
I have a very sweet mother-in-law who always makes sure to check in on us. For that I am blessed.
I grew up without my dad around and to be able to go to a Royals game or talk baseball with Patrick’s dad is such an amazing thing for me. Very blessed.
I had always wanted a little brother when I was growing up. Pretty sure my mom thought I was crazy when I would say that, but it was true. I always saw my friends with their brothers and thought that that would be a pretty cool thing to have. When I married Patrick, I finally got my little brother. Mike is a great guy who is always there to help us whenever we call and for that I am blessed. Inheriting Mike as a brother-in-law also meant gaining another sister. It has been so much fun this past year watching Lindsay with their son, Mason. She is an amazing mom and I am blessed that she is in my life.
I could probably go on for hours listing all of the amazing and wonderful people I have in my life. I am blessed in so many ways. I have spent my whole life surrounded by such amazing women who have inspired me, encouraged me, loved me, and “mothered” me in so many different ways and for that I am extremely blessed.
For all of the moms in my life, I pray that you have a blessed Mother’s Day.
For those of you who are spending the day differently than you had dreamed, either without your children or without your own mom, I pray that you have a peaceful Mother’s Day.
And for my sweet Joshua, thank you so much for making me your mama! I am so very, very, very blessed to have held you in my womb, my arms, and my heart. “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.” Tomorrow you go spend Mother’s Day with your Great Grandma Jones , Great Great Grandma Sleeth, Great Grandma Denney, and many others. You tell them how much we all love them and how much we all miss them. Wish them a happy Mother’s Day from me. I love you, my dear son. You are my greatest blessing! P.S. Thanks for sending me so many signs that you are still here with me. I really needed them, they were the perfect Mother’s Day present.