As I see it, I have two choices right now.
A. I can be angry and mad that my son was taken from me. I can turn away from God and everything that I have ever believed to be true. I can essentially give up any hope I have and let the shadows come and consume me.
B. I can hold on to my faith with everything that I’ve got left inside me and I can fight. I can find meaning in this madness. I can find purpose in the pain. I can find strength in my sorrow.
I choose B.
This is a daily choice. Sometimes it’s a choice I have to make every hour, but I will continue to choose B.
Without my faith and my hope in God, what would I be left with? I would be even more broken, because I would have to face the idea that this life is all there is, and that would mean truly never seeing Josh again. Frankly, I can’t bear that thought.
I choose to believe that God is doing something here. I choose to believe that God is using Joshua’s brief life story for glorious and wonderful things. I choose to believe that God is building me up to do something big through all of this. I still haven’t figured it out yet, but in time I will. Even if all I ever do is advocate for others who are forced into a similar situation, I know that that will be where God is leading me.
I’ve surrendered. I can’t do this alone, and I wouldn’t want to. I can’t change what happened, even though I desperately want to. My simple prayer is this:
Please use me. However and wherever you need me. Guide me and direct me. I will follow you. You have given me a voice to speak and a heart to care, show me how to use them, and I will. I surrender myself to you.