May Day

Well, it’s May.

I can remember, when I was a little girl, marking the first day of May by conspiring with my neighborhood friends to make little May Day baskets for all of our neighbors. We would usually craft the basket out of construction paper and too much glue. We would pick “flowers” (usually yellow dandelions and the purple flowers that grow amongst the clover) to put in the small handcrafted baskets. We would often sneak candy out of the house to make the surprise that much more special. We would write little notes to our neighbors, often making up silly little poems that we would carefully sound out as we wrote with markers, always managing to get more color on our hands than the paper. When we were finished, we would gather them all up and then go leave them on door steps, often ringing the doorbell and running away so we could hide in the bushes and giggle as the neighbor opened the door to find our little surprise.

As I got older, May 1st was exciting because it meant summer was almost here. It meant shorts and swimming pools and no more school.

After college, May 1st became just the beginning of another month, but it was still always a sign that summer was coming. Sunshine and flowers and walks in the park.

This year, May 1st was supposed to mean we would be bringing home a baby soon. This year, May was supposed to be the best month ever. Instead, May 1st just feels like a broken promise. May 2013 has been circled on my calendar since last August.

Now I know that a due date doesn’t always equal an actual birthdate. Honestly, with a due date of May 3rd, chances were good we would have had an April baby anyway. I know that. But still. That date has been etched upon my heart for so many months that it is hard to just let it go.

Patrick and I are both taking off work on Friday. The weather is supposed to be cold and rainy. They say it might even snow a little. It snowed the night Joshua was born. Have I mentioned how this never-ending winter feels symbolic this year? I’m not sure what we are doing yet to mark the day. I know I want to go visit Josh. I’m still praying that this Friday will somehow surprise the weathermen and be bright and sunny. If it is, you can thank Josh for that, I’ve been telling him to put in a good word with God.

I think we might mark the day with a few random acts of kindness done in Josh’s memory, or maybe we will stay inside all day and just hold tightly to each other. At this point it’s a toss up. Maybe a little bit of both. All I know is that my already broken heart seems to shatter more each minute that we get closer to May 3rd.

Extra hugs are accepted extra prayers are requested.