Yesterday, a co-worker/friend of mine told me that she had noticed on Facebook that a girl she knew from college had gone into early labor and they had lost their baby girl. I told her to give her friend my name and that if she needed anything to reach out.
God, I will never understand your ways and I know I’m not meant to, but still… My heart is so heavy for this family right now.
This community that I have unwillingly become a part of over these last two months is huge and that breaks my heart. I have gained so many new friends since February, friends that are wonderful sources of support and encouragement and the occasional gut-check just to make sure I’m not going completely insane, but boy do I wish that I could have met these wonderful women and men in some other way. One of the first things I did once we got home from the hospital was to reach out to one of my fellow May baby mom’s that I knew had suffered a loss last year. I wanted support. I wanted guidance. I wanted to know how the heck were we supposed to get through this. I needed someone to tell me that I was going to survive this, because early on, and quite honestly still, there were so many days where I didn’t see how I was going to be able to live through this awful nightmare.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
“He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.” Isaiah 40:29
As a Christian, it is so tempting to throw scriptures and cliches out when you hear of friends and family going through trials and pains ( I did it all the time and I probably still will), but after you are on the receiving end of them it changes your perspective. Often they feel empty and don’t really bring much comfort at all. The thing to remember though is that God’s promises are always true, and they are able to bring comfort some of the time, but His promises don’t offer to instantly take all of our pain away. Psalm 34:18 proves that. He is closest to us when we hurt the most. I believe that, because I now have felt it.
I have never felt the kind of pain that I have felt these last two months and yet at the same time I have never felt God standing as close to me as I have in these last two months. There are so many days where my heart is just so beyond broken that I’m not sure it can ever be healed, but then someone will post a scripture on Facebook or I’ll hear a verse or song on the radio and I realize that God was sending that message for me right when I needed it most. God often speaks in quite moments and whispers. You must listen closely. Those days when I’ve struggled to pull it together enough to get in my car and drive to work and the first song I hear on the radio is one of the many that have been bringing me comfort these last two months – it’s not a coincidence. God is close by. He is here and He knows my pain. He knows that I’m weak and this burden is just oh so heavy, but He is here and willing to help me carry it.
I still pray everyday that God will take this pain away. That somehow my heart can heal and I can feel His strength, but I know that my heart will never be completely healed and that the pain may lessen in time, but it will never fully go away. Just as I have a scar on my body from Joshua’s birth, I will forever have a scar on my heart that will never be fully healed until I can hold him in my arms once again in Heaven. Oh, God, how I long for that day.
This week as I have watched the news and seen the horrible images coming from Boston and from Texas, my heart aches for those people and their families. Each and everyone of them is/was someone’s son or daughter. This world is full of so much pain and so much suffering. Our time on this earth is short and we are never promised tomorrow – this week has been a constant reminder of that. We are however, promised an eternity in Heaven if we choose to accept the love of Jesus into our lives. I pray for each of the victims of both of these tragedies as well as those who had to stand by and helplessly watch the horror unfold before their eyes.
The very wise, Mr. Fred Rogers, once said:
“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”
I pray for those helpers that were there and are there today, helping the injured and hurt. I pray today for the City of Boston, Massachusetts and the City of West, Texas and their families and friends. I pray for this new mom and dad that are going to be laying their beautiful daughter to rest tomorrow. I pray for all of these men and women that I have crossed paths with that have suffered a loss so unimaginable. I pray for our families and friends who hurt right along with us. God, there is so much healing to be done, but you are all-mighty and I have faith that you can mend all of these broken hearts. I pray that you will reach your hand down upon us all today and let your presence be felt. Give us strength and peace.
Edit – Was just reminded that 18 years ago today was the Oklahoma City Bombing and that tomorrow marks 14 years since the Columbine High School tragedy. So many lives were lost and changed in an instant. My prayers go out to those whose lives were forever changed and to the friends and families who are marking these next couple of days with grief relived and sorrow.