When you lose a baby or child or really anyone for that matter you tend to search for signs that they are okay.  I already spoke about how we felt Joshua helped us find Patrick’s wedding ring the day before the funeral.  I really do believe that nothing is just a mere coincidence.  Some people tell me that butterflies become very symbolic after losing a child.  On one of the recent warm days that we had here in Kansas City, Patrick and I put our dog, Sophie, on the leash and went for walk down to the park that is in our neighborhood.  I tried to push down the emotions that kept creeping up.  I kept thinking of how many times we talked about doing this.  This summer was supposed to be filled with lots of walks through our neighborhood, Patrick holding onto the dog’s leash and me pushing a stroller.  This walk was not what we had pictured.

We finally got down to the park, after Sophie had properly sniffed out every inch of grass along the way and I stopped in my tracks for a second.  I saw a woman carrying her baby towards the slide.  I took a deep breath, squeezed Patrick’s hand, and continued walking.  We stood at the edge of the parking lot watching some guys play basketball when out of the corner of my eye I saw it.  A perfect little white butterfly.  It floated around us for a brief moment before flying off.  I couldn’t stop the tears that welled up in my eyes.  On an ordinary day two months ago I would have probably still noticed the butterfly, they are always beautiful, but at that moment I took note of the perfect little pure white butterfly.  Was this a sign?  Was this Joshua’s way of saying hello?  Everyday moments are now suddenly full of deeper meaning.

It was about two weeks after we arrived home from the hospital.  Patrick and I were standing in the kitchen doing dishes, life continues on even when you think the whole world should be held at a stop, and we looked out into our backyard and there were probably close to 100 blackbirds.  I’m not sure what kind of bird exactly, but they were dark.  They completely covered our backyard.  We stood at the window for a good 15 minutes as they would swoop down and then fly back up only to swoop down again.  I have no idea what that means.  At the time it felt very symbolic.  It was this darkness that kept swooping in and slowly leaving again.  I naturally did what anyone in my situation might do and consulted Google.  “Blackbirds have been considered messengers of great change, speakers for the dead, and a warning of some kind.”  “The black bird always has a message to bring, and it usually is not an ill omen. While the crow or black bird can play the trickster, they are usually benevolent and bring news of good passage and protection.”  Now, I could just be crazy, trust me these days that feels like a distinct possibility, but when I read that blackbirds are messengers of great change, speakers for the dead, and bring news of good passage and protection I about lost it.  Again was this Joshua’s way of telling us that he was okay?  That he will be there with us always, protecting us and watching over us?

Another random thing I’ve been noticing lately are feathers.  I keep finding feathers in the grass in the front yard or along the sidewalk near my office.  “It is commonly thought in most cultures that feathers are symbols of higher thought, spiritual progression.  The line of thought here is that birds were considered divine creatures in primitive/ancient cultures because they are creatures of the sky (heaven) and therefore closer to God.  When you find feathers upon your path it could be taken to mean that you are on a higher spiritual path (whether you accept it or not), and it may be a sign of encouragement as you philosophically travel on this path.”  Yeah, so then there’s that.

Honestly I have no idea whether any of these things are signs from God or the heavens that my boy is okay or if I’m just letting my imagination and Google searches carry me away.  All I know is that they seem to keep popping up everywhere I turn.  I welcome them with open arms, an open heart, and an open mind.  I pray that God will show me signs that Joshua is okay – that I’m going to be okay – that we’re going to survive this storm and find a rainbow somewhere at the end of it all.  I have one more big sign from God that I’m clinging too – well a couple actually, but I’ll save those stories for another day as right now they still feel a little bit to precious to share.


***Please note I  can’t remember where I found these quotes from right now – just that I saved them.  I know some of them were from some pretty out there websites that I wouldn’t normally endorse, and it’s hard to type these posts on my phone and find the links at the same time.  Sorry about that.


3 thoughts on “Signs?”

  1. Vicky – I had never done the Google search on these things but I totally believe God works in this way. Brian has sent me many, many messages over the years…usually by seeing birds in odd places or a bird coming and sitting very close to me at a park or something. Brian was a big fan of St. Francis who is always depicted with birds and as a lover of animals. Love you! Christen


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