I’ve always been told that there are stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). What they neglected to mention was that there would be days when all of them hit you at once and knock you over. I was talking to Patrick last night and said I was now 37 weeks pregnant. Seriously? What part of my brain is still trying to deny that these last two months happened?
We are getting so close to that May 3rd due date and I feel the anger growing inside me. The more I read about similar stories, the more doctors I talk to, and the more I go over our medical records the more convinced I am that this should not have happened. The doctors made some bad calls and we are left empty and broken. Some days I feel like I could strangle the doctor who choose to deliver, or at least take a swing at her. It just makes me so angry to know that had certain things been done differently our son would still be here with us today.
I don’t really know what to do anymore. I still cry everyday, usually uncontrollably at some point. I still struggle to get out of bed every morning. Getting up, showered, dressed, and actually out the door to work are accomplishments that I feel I don’t get enough credit for. There are so many days when I would rather hide under the covers and ignore everyone and everything. I realize that hiding from your problems doesn’t make them go away, but some days I think hiding would be so much easier than having to face the real world.
I found this list of the 7 stages of grief. I always thought there were only 5. I think I’m stuck somewhere between 2 and 4 right now occasionally falling back to 1 and 3. I’m struggling with 5-7. Some days it seems as if I’ll never get to the acceptance and hope stage. Other days I can see a glimmer of hope. For now, I’m taking it moment-by-moment and just hanging on for dear life to that small glimmer of hope.
7- Stages of Grief
1. SHOCK & DENIAL
2. PAIN & GUILT
3. ANGER & BARGAINING
4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS
5. THE UPWARD TURN
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE