Today was hard.
My stomach has been in knots since I made the appointment yesterday afternoon.
This morning we made our way back up to the funeral home to select a grave marker for our baby boy. It was so frustrating. There were so many options, none of which seemed “right” – nothing about this situations seems “right.” How do you choose a grave stone for your baby?
They asked if we had been out to their “baby land” to look at some of the other stones to see what we might like? What I might like is for us to not have our son buried in “baby land.” What I might like is that this world would not be so cruel as to have a need for a cemetery to have a spot that they call “baby land.” That doesn’t make it better. In fact, I think it upsets me more.
As I stood there looking at the ground, knowing that the body of my sweet baby boy was somewhere in a box beneath the new grass all I could do was look around at all of the other little markers and cry. So many. Too many. I still can not understand it. So many with one lone date. Too many that I know their parents never got to hear cry. So many that never took a breath. So many moms and dads out there with empty arms. My heart aches for everyone of them. I want to scream it out loud, “It’s not fair!”
I made cookies tonight – chocolate chip and peanut butter chip. They were always one of my favorites growing up. It makes me sad that I’ll never get to know what Josh’s favorite cookie is. I know that sounds silly. It just feels like everything I do makes me think of him in some way. Right now, as awful as it sounds, I wish I could turn it on and off. Sometimes the thoughts of him just hurt too much. I’m waiting for the day that I can think of him and smile instead of instantly break down in tears. I know there will always be tears, but someday I hope that I can find a way to find a bit joy mixed in between, because right now this grief is exhausting.
But for now, I’ll enjoy the cookies here with Patrick, and I hope that my Grandma Jones will bake some cookies for Josh up in Heaven some day and when I get there they can tell me what his favorite kind is and I’ll make them for him whenever he wants. I bet cookies taste even better in Heaven.