Sometimes it is so hard to remember that God is in control when my heart still aches so deeply. I keep listening to Steven Curtis Chapman’s song, Our God is in Control. I feel every word of that song so deep within my soul. Especially that line, “This is not how it should be…”
God, this is not how it should be at all. I’m so frustrated all the time. I feel lonely and afraid. This is not how this was supposed to happen. We were supposed to get married, get settled into our new house and married life, we were supposed to wait a year to start our own little family, and we were supposed to be bringing home a sweet baby boy most likely at the end of this month or the very beginning of next.
That was the plan.
We did everything the way we planned it. Those two pink lines showed up two days before our first anniversary. It was perfect. We were so in love with each other and with this little baby we had created. Why did it have to go so wrong?
“This is not where we planned to be
When we started this journey
But this is where we are
And our God is in control”
I’m having such a difficult time not being discouraged. I know the right scriptures to read and the right words to pray. I know all of that ,and yet, right now, in this moment all I feel is pain and bitterness. I’m just so overwhelmingly disappointed. 2013 was supposed to be amazing. Full of late night feedings and little baby giggles. Instead it’s just full of tears and insurmountable pain and sorrow that feel like they will never end.
“Though this first taste is bitter
There will be sweetness forever
When we finally taste and see
That our God is in control”
I’m broken. I admit that fully. The smiles and laughter that I fake only leave me feeling more empty. I’m so unhappy and I’m so scared that I will never be able to see past this pain and feel real joy again. I’m scared that I’ll never be ready to have another child. The fear is overwhelming. I try so hard to remember that this spirit of fear is not of God and that I need to keep fighting through it, but I feel so weak. My mind, my heart, and my body are just so worn out from the constant battle that seems to go on within me. I know that God is in control. I know that He is with me, fighting against all of the pain and the fear that are trying so hard to pull me down. Please keep those prayers coming, because this battle is long and it is hard. But I am still here, and I am still fighting.
Our God is in Control – Steven Curtis Chapman