The problem with grief is that I never know when it is going to hit. I’ve been back at work this week, and honestly I know that I came back too soon. I can’t focus. I have these major bursts of grief where I find myself crying so hard that I have to go into the bathroom to wipe my face and compose myself. Other times I’ll be working and suddenly feel something wet on my cheek as I realize that I’ve been sitting here with tears running down my face.
I thought having something else to focus on would make it a little easier, but instead I think it’s just making things feel worse. While I’ve never been crazy about my job, I’ve always at least felt that I was pretty good at it, but now… I can’t remember how to do little things that I’ve been doing for five years. Something that normally would take me 15 minutes somehow seems to take me hours to finish. I feel worthless at work. I’m a mess at home. I just feel like I’m losing my mind.
I know that it all just takes time, but I’m just so frustrated with my feelings right now.