My birthday is on Friday, and I’m so tired of everyone asking what I want. What do I want? I want the only thing that I can’t have. I want my son back.
I want to feel him kicking inside me again. I want to go back and change the past. I want Joshua to be here with us. My every wish is that these last 5 weeks just didn’t happen. I want to hear his heartbeat again on the monitor. I want to see him again on the ultrasound. I want to know that he is still safely tucked away inside me. I want to have not had a c-section. I want to still be finalizing my birth plan. I want our son back where he belongs.
I want to be happy again. I want to be getting nervous about how close we are to meeting him. I want to be putting the finishing touches on his nursery. I want to be folding tiny clothes and stacking diapers. I want to be writing thank you notes from the shower we were supposed to have last Saturday. I want my life back.
I want the life that Patrick and I created out of so much love back. I want to see that look on Patrick’s face when he feels him kick. I want to see the joy on my husband’s face as he talks about all the things he wants to teach Joshua.
I want to not feel so angry. I want to not feel so broken. I want to not feel so disappointed. I want to not feel so much pain and agony. I want to be losing sleep over either bladder kicks or 2 am feedings instead of nightmares. I want every second of those horrible days to quit replaying themselves over and over again inside my head.
I want a miracle.