A Pre-Birthday Wish

My birthday is on Friday, and I’m so tired of everyone asking what I want.  What do I want?  I want the only thing that I can’t have.  I want my son back.

I want to feel him kicking inside me again.  I want to go back and change the past.  I want Joshua to be here with us.  My every wish is that these last 5 weeks just didn’t happen.  I want to hear his heartbeat again on the monitor.  I want to see him again on the ultrasound.  I want to know that he is still safely tucked away inside me.  I want to have not had a c-section.  I want to still be finalizing my birth plan.  I want our son back where he belongs.

I want to be happy again.  I want to be getting nervous about how close we are to meeting him.  I want to be putting the finishing touches on his nursery.  I want to be folding tiny clothes and stacking diapers.  I want to be writing thank you notes from the shower we were supposed to have last Saturday.  I want my life back.

I want the life that Patrick and I created out of so much love back.  I want to see that look on Patrick’s face when he feels him kick.  I want to see the joy on my husband’s face as he talks about all the things he wants to teach Joshua.

I want to not feel so angry.  I want to not feel so broken.  I want to not feel so disappointed.  I want to not feel so much pain and agony.  I want to be losing sleep over either bladder kicks or 2 am feedings instead of nightmares.  I want every second of those horrible days to quit replaying themselves over and over again inside my head.

I want a miracle.

2 thoughts on “A Pre-Birthday Wish”

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t help but cry reading your posts. Our stories are so similar. I am 16 months out and I have felt this pain. No parent should ever have to walk into what you did and I did too. I share those feelings of being so lonely at times and so broken. No one understands unless they have been through it and its so hard to deal with for other people so they stay away which makes it worse. If you ever want to talk please email me. I will listen at any hour of the day. I know what this feels like and it’s so hard.


    1. Oh, how I hate to hear that you too have suffered such a loss. My heart breaks for you as well. It is a pain that no one should have to suffer and yet it seems as though so many do.


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