Everyone keeps trying to tell/remind me that I am still a mom even though I do not have my baby to take care of. Some days I just smile at them and nod, but other days all I can do is cry. One month ago I was getting to meet my baby boy for the first time. I was getting to touch his head full of curly brown hair. I was able to talk to him and tell him how much I loved him. I was able to soothe him when he cried just by talking to him. I got to watch him grab hold of my husband’s finger – holding so tightly to his daddy. Today, I sit here and stare at his photos and the little blue and white blanket that he rested on. Today, I don’t feel like a mom. Today, I feel empty. I feel like everything I wanted and dreamed about was completely and quite literally ripped away from me. Today, I want to feel like a mom. I wanted to hold my son. I want to feed him and change his diapers. I want to rock him to sleep and sing him a lullaby. Instead, I sit here and cry. I feel broken and useless. I had spent so many months preparing to be a mother. Preparing to care for my child and now it was all for not. I know that this is not the end of our story. I know that there will be other opportunities to have children, but at the end of the day I sit here and worry that part of me will always be longing so deeply for Joshua that I might miss out on the joys of being a mom to our children. Maybe I just think too much.
