Still a Mom

Everyone keeps trying to tell/remind me that I am still a mom even though I do not have my baby to take care of.  Some days I just smile at them and nod, but other days all I can do is cry.  One month ago I was getting to meet my baby boy for the first time.  I was getting to touch his head full of curly brown hair.  I was able to talk to him and tell him how much I loved him.  I was able to soothe him when he cried just by talking to him.  I got to watch him grab hold of my husband’s finger – holding so tightly to his daddy.  Today, I sit here and stare at his photos and the little blue and white blanket that he rested on.  Today, I don’t feel like a mom.  Today, I feel empty.  I feel like everything I wanted and dreamed about was completely and quite literally ripped away from me.  Today, I want to feel like a mom.  I wanted to hold my son.  I want to feed him and change his diapers.  I want to rock him to sleep and sing him a lullaby.  Instead, I sit here and cry.  I feel broken and useless.  I had spent so many months preparing to be a mother.  Preparing to care for my child and now it was all for not.  I know that this is not the end of our story.  I know that there will be other opportunities to have children, but at the end of the day I sit here and worry that part of me will always be longing so deeply for Joshua that I might miss out on the joys of being a mom to our children.  Maybe I just think too much.


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