Boyfriends, Breakups, and Saying No

Madeline informed me last night that her and her boyfriend broke up. 

Reminder: she’s three. 

I asked her what happened. She said she told him not to kiss her and now he’s not her friend anymore. 

Again, she’s three. 

I told her that she did the right thing by telling him not to kiss her, and that she shouldn’t be kissing boys yet. I also told her I was sad that he wasn’t being her friend anymore. That seemed to satisfy her for now. I hugged her and she went on to play. 

I know that most likely the next break up won’t be so easy to cure with a hug, and that makes my heart ache for my little girl. 

Already at three a boy chose not to be her friend because she said no when he tried to kiss her (something they have already been in trouble for previously, so Madeline knew she wasn’t supposed to do it).

What happens when she is thirteen and it’s more than a kiss?

These are the things that already make my momma heart and mind worry. 

What if next time a boy she really likes threatens to break up with her if doesn’t do more than just kiss him? How do I instill strength in my daughter, beginning even now, so that when she wants to say no, she can say no and stand firm in that decision?

How can I make sure that her heart is not broken by a boy who only wants to see how far she will let him go. These may seem like crazy things to worry about, because well, she’s only three. But I believe that foundation of strength, self-worth, and confidence is being built now. 

She watches our every action. She sees how sweetly her dad treats me. She knows what love looks like. I want her to seek that in her life. I want her to grow up not settling for less than she deserves. I want her to expect the best, because she deserves the best. 

For now our little threenager has seemingly gotten over her first broken heart fairly easily. She was able to say no to the unwanted kisses from the boy who is always trying to kiss and hug her. She is learning that while she likes to give out hugs, she doesn’t want to be kissed, and she is in control of herself, so she gets to make those decisions not the boys. 

I can only hope remembers that she is incharge of her body as she grows in to her teen years and that that beautiful heart of hers doesn’t get too broken along the way. 

But I will be prepared with a shoulder to cry on, some sappy music, chessy movies, and some ice cream to make it all better when it does.

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Best.Gift.Ever.

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This little girl right here is the very best gift I could have ever asked for.  In her 37 weeks out (plus 38 weeks in) she has filled so many of the empty and broken places in my heart.

Her laugh is the most beautiful sound that I have ever heard and the way she will giggle and smile when I kiss her cheeks completely melts me.

I adore the way she cuddles in close when I pick her up.  I love how she gives kisses and says “mama.”

She is absolutely the best gift.

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This guy is pretty great too.  😉

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Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up

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Your little hand’s wrapped around my finger

And it’s so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you’re dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light
To you everything’s funny, you got nothing to regret
I’d give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

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Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won’t let nobody hurt you, won’t let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

– Taylor Swift – Never Grow Up

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Oh, my darling Madeline,

Tonight as I sat holding you in my arms, your hand wrapped tightly around my finger, you took my breath away.  You are so small and so perfect.  I want to remember these moments. I want to always remember your chubby little feet, your long lashes, the curl of your mouth as you sleep. Some may think I take too many photos, and maybe I do, but it’s only because I want to cherish each moment and remember each detail. You have already changed so much, and I am so thankful that I am able to document it all.

I want to remember how your tiny hand feels wrapped around my finger.  I don’t want to forget the way you curl yourself into my chest – hearing the familiar heartbeat that lulled you to sleep for nine months in my belly. I want to always remember the way your big blue eyes stare up at me as you fighting hard to not drift off to sleep.

You, my sweet baby, mean the absolute world to me, and there is not a day that goes by that I am not just so grateful that I get to be your momma.

I will do my best to always protect you and keep you safe. But I know that someday you will grow up, and your heart will probably get broken by some boy who doesn’t understand just how wonderful you are or by friends that don’t want to play fair, and while I know that I can’t prevent every skinned knee and broken heart I will do my best to always be there with a band aide and hug (and maybe some ice cream).

I love you, baby girl.

Love Always,

Momma

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Madeline’s Story

I was honored to be asked by Lindsey to share Madeline’s birth story over on her new site Pregnancy After Loss Support.

The familiar wave of nausea had hit me hard. I crawled back in bed only to find myself huddled in the bathroom once again five minutes later. I had one test left from this time last year. I knew it was early, and most likely would be negative, but I just had to test to see if there was a happy reason for this sudden nausea. Five minutes later I was back in our bedroom showing my husband, Patrick, what I thought was a very faint line. He wasn’t convinced. The line was “barely there” and we had “just started trying” again. Later that afternoon we ran out to Target to buy another box of tests. I impatiently waited until the next morning to take a test. Almost instantly, there it was, there was no second guessing it this time, I practically ran into our bedroom and to Patrick’s side of the bed. Shoving the clearly positive test stick in front of his face, “now do you believe it?” I asked him. We both looked at it and cried as he hugged me close. Here we go again…

Click on over to Pregnancy After Loss Support to read the rest of Maddy’s story.

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1 Year

My Dear Joshua Patrick,

My sweet boy, oh how I miss you and wish you were here with us today.  I would have baked you your very first birthday cake and laughed as you smeared the blue and white frosting across your face as you tried to mash the vanilla cake into your open mouth with your tiny hand.  The house would have been filled with colorful balloons and lots of family.  We would have smiled as you tried to rip the wrapping paper off of your presents.  I have no doubt that your daddy would have picked out every Batman and Ninja Turtle toy in the store.  I would snap 100s of pictures of your sweet smiling face.  It would have been a beautiful day – a day I would always want to cherish.
Instead I sit here and cry and try and imagine what you would look like today.  It is so hard to imagine that it has already been one whole year since you entered this world of ours.  I pray that you are enjoying a birthday cake baked by your Great Grandma Jones today and that you are celebrating with our family and friends that we dearly miss.
As we sit here, getting ready to bring your little sister into this world, I pray that you will continue to watch over us.  You will always be our sweet baby boy.  Our first born.  Our dearly loved and very much missed son.
Happy birthday, sweet boy.  I love you more!
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