Should Auld Acquaintance be Forgot

So, it is a new year, and I suppose that calls for the making of some sort of "resolution." Well then, I will resolve that I shall make attempts to actually write in this journal on a daily/semi-daily basis.

I’ve tried these "blogs" before, but I always seem to get wrap up in school and other things so I inevitably forget to write for a week, month, and then by the time I remember it is just seems pointless.

I read all of these sites written by people that are probably far more busy than I, and yet they find time to write everyday, so I will try to make the time as well. I can’t promise that it will always be deep, profound, or even all that understandable, but it will hopefully at least be interesting.

I’m a senior in college, graduating in May with a B.A. in English – emphasis in Creative Writing, trying to find a job, a boyfriend, and working on trying to figure out what I want/can do with an English degree (not much).

I have a lot of interesting (I think) stories to tell, and might even share some fiction. For now this is what it is, just me rambling about whatever I am thinking at that moment. Sometimes it might be crazy, pointless, and incoherent, but that’s all the more entertaining.

Anyways, here’s to 2006!

-Torie

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To Knit or Not to Knit

I once again decided that I am determined to learn to knit. I have tried this before, and have either become frustrated when it didn’t turn out quite right or I have simply quit after I have gotten out the yarn and knitting needles. This time I mean buisness. I am determined that I need another hobby. I seem to do nothing but write. I write poems. I write prose. I atempt to write a novel. I write children’s stories. I write papers for school on the linguistics of Shakespeare. All I ever do is write. Hey guess what I’m doing right now, I’m writing. Anyways, I figure that knitting seems like a nice little hobby for me. I love sweaters, I love scarves, so knitting only seems natural. I actually found directions on how to unravel old sweaters so that one can reuse the yarn. I am loving this idea, as I have 100+ sweaters, and I don’t wear nearly half of them, but yet I can’t let them go, because the colors are just so pretty. I think I’m starting to get the hang of this knitting thing. I am going to stick with it. I am going to stick with it. I am going to stick with it. Maybe if I say it enough I will do it. I’m going to go see what sweaters I want to destroy and then I will knit some more. I have a new hobby. Yea! That’s one of my New Year’s resolutions to actually stick with it and see projects through. I have a few more resolutions or rather hopes for the year, but I will get to them later. I hope everyone has a very blessed 2006! Happy New Year!

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Dear K:

Ever since high school I have been writing these letters to my niece. For her birthday, Christmas, Tuesday, basically anytime something significant happened in my life I would write about, in a ‘here is my experience’ advice kind of way. My idea is to give them to her either as she starts high school or as she goes through a similar experience. Anyways the following is one such letter. It is written in a random listing of thoughts sort of way.


Life sucks. It’s hard and it will screw you over if you allow it to. People aren’t always honest. Things aren’t always the way they seem at first glance.
The nicest people are often the ones you won’t associate with because you don’t think they are good enough to be your friend. Friends will come friends will go. Hang on to the good ones. There aren’t many around. Guys are jerks, not all, but enough of them. There’s a quote that says “a man is not worth your tears, and the one who is won’t make you cry.” That’s true. I never realized how true it was until now. They will tell you they love you and yeah sometimes, they mean it, but other times not. Sometimes the “I love you” is simply spoken to see how far that will take them.
Don’t let a simple “I love you” rush you into something that you know you will regret in the morning.
Learn to live. Live for the moment, not in the past, not for the future, but for this very second, this very moment. You are only this age once in your life, don’t waste it, don’t abuse it, and don’t let it pass you by. Love hurts. After it’s gone, you miss it more than you thought you ever could. Don’t take it for granted or anything else for that matter. You really don’t ever know what you got until it’s gone.
Love is wonderful. you can feel like you are 100 ft. above the earth just remember there’s a long way down and be careful not to fall too fast. When you do fall from love or friends or life, rest awhile then get back up. It’s the only way to ease the pain.
Don’t be afraid to cry. It’s good for you. It makes you real. Remember the story of the Velveteen Rabbit, when the rabbit cried, that is when he truly became real. It is the pain, the sadness, the tears that make us human. They make us real. Cry for what you have lost, cry for the hurt you feel, cry for what others have lost, cry for hurt others feel. Cry because of a bad grade, a bad friend, some bad advice you mistakenly took, a bad hair day, and realize that it is okay. It is okay to cry for absolutely any reason, and for absolutely no reason at all. On the other hand, don’t forget to laugh for absolutely any reason, and for absolutely no reason at all.
Every once in awhile step outside of yourself, and evaluate your life. Are you where you want to be, are you the person you want to be? Set your goals, and don’t ever lose sight of them, because once you do it can be difficult to get back to them, and they can be too easily forgotten.
When I was thirteen, one of my friends told me, "if you never let anything out and never cry and you always hold everything thing in and only cry on the inside after awhile you’ll mold." Silly, I know, but still some of the best advice I was ever given.
Realize that others do care. Also realize that you may be surprised by who it is that cares. Who you think is your best friend maybe the one stabbing you in the back, and the one you always shun, because their hair isn’t right or their clothes aren’t the latest style, that maybe the one person that is willing to hear your problem, and give you some compassionate advice.
Don’t judge others. Realize you aren’t perfect, and so you shouldn’t expect anyone else to be. Leave the judging up to God and those in the black robes with the gavels. Parents are annoying and not always right. Nevertheless, they have good points every once in awhile. So listen. Don’t always agree but consider it. They mean well, they love you, and they only want what is best for you. Let them be apart of your life, don’t shut them out. One day you may really need them, and if you have spent all your energy shutting them out and letting them know you don’t need them, it will be hard to ask for help. Make it easy on yourself, by taking it easy on them. Life will hurt you, heal you, make you laugh, and make you cry. However, never be afraid to live and learn. Learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others. Have fun living.

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Homesick

Over the past four years I have been to more funerals than anyone should ever have to endure. These have not been funerals for a mere acquaintance or an elderly family member (I’ve been to those too). But I’m talking about the ones that are for kids my age. These have been friends.

Friends I’ve known my whole life. Friends my age that all died so suddenly…So tragically. It is a strange feeling to go from funeral to funeral. To walk past these caskets that now hold your friends…So lifeless…

Some people handle death relatively well. They move through the stages of grief smoothly, and are able to easily cope. I on the other hand am not one of those people. I shut down. I close people out. I cry. I do nothing but cry. I am unable to see past the grief. Unable to see past the pain and hurt. Essentially – I fall apart.

I consider myself a religious person. I go to church. I do what’s right. I love God. But I find it so hard to understand His plan. How can He take a 24 year old that was so in love with God? Someone that wanted to serve Him and teach others about Him. How can he take an 18 year old that was just coming into her faith? How can he take another 18 year old that was such an awesome light shining for Him? How can he take a 23 year old that had overcome so many adversities, and was able to lean on Him for her strength? How can he take a 14 year old that wanted to yell it to the world that God was awesome? A boy that wanted nothing more than to live for Him hardcore. To love Him with everything he had. I know we are not meant to understand God’s ways. I know we should not questions His plan.

We only see the pain we are going through. The pain we see in their parent’s eyes when they have to place their beloved child into the dirt. The anguish you feel in your heart when you hear the news that a car accident, a sudden aneurysm, a drowning has taken this beautiful soul from this world. my heart eternally aches for them. I’m constantly afraid that I will lose someone else. That I will once again have to put on my black skirt and sweater and mourn the loss of another soul I love.

I went to a MercyMe concert in February of 2004, two months after the death of someone that was like a little brother to me. They talked about how while they were writing their new CD they had several people close to them pass away (I immediately teared up). So they continued to talk about how their song I Can Only Imagine had been played at many funerals, and was a ministry to people in their time of grief.

I agree, that song, those lyrics are so beautiful, and the only comfort I have is knowing that they truly are in a better place. They are with God. They are in Heaven. They are lucky in that fact. I am blessed to know that I will get to hug them again. I will get to see them again. It all just continues to hurt, because I have to wait. I’m not saying I want to die, because I don’t. I love my family. I love my friends. I just love God, and I can’t wait for Him to come again so that all of the earthly pain and hurt I feel can be no more.

I want to go Home. I want to see my friends again, to see my family that I miss so much, my grandpa, my grandma, great aunts and uncles, my cousin, just so many people that I long to see. So at this concert MercyMe continue to say that they had written this new song about their pain, their loss, and their longing to go Home. I immediatly began to cry hard, because the emotion tied to the words of this song just completely grabbed at my heart, and I just had to let it all out.

Homesick

by MercyMe

You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I’m still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow

I’ve never been more homesick than now

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My Grandma

Today would be my Grandma’s 84th Birthday. I only wish she was here to celebrate it with us again. I miss her more than she could know… This is something I wrote a couple days after she passed away last year.

M y grandma is the most beautiful woman I know. Her beauty was more than just the sparkle of her blue eyes, her sweet smile, or her beautiful snow white hair, it was in the way she would laugh at my many antics, the way she would tell everyone how proud she was of all of us. It was in the way she would talk on the phone when she thought I couldn’t hear her, she always seemed to be bragging on some minor thing that me or one of her grandkids did that she saw as another way to prove to everyone that she had the best grandchildren in the world. She would listen to me ramble and tell her story after story of the drama of my life. The way I etched every story she told me in my heart. Her beauty was in her sense of humor. The way even last Friday she teased the nurse and told her to go back out sit down what was in her hands and knock, after the nurse had simply said “knock knock” since her hands were full. Her beauty was in the way she was Saturday. She was so full of life, so vibrant. I didn’t want to leave. I crawled up in bed next to her and just hugged her tight, she said, “you really miss me this much?” I said, “yeah I do. The house is empty without you.” And now the house is so vacant without her. I don’t know how I will ever be able to be in this house and not want to simply break down and cry. Memories of her are literally everywhere I turn. I have been so blessed to have spent nearly every single day of my entire life with my grandmother. We had our ups and downs, but that was only because we were both too stubborn to admit we were ever wrong. She was not just my grandma she was my best friend. We would sit and watch Days of Our Lives together and just talk. We would talk about the show and about our own lives. She would tell me stories of when she was a child growing up with five brothers. She would tell me stories of my grandpa and of my mom when she was younger. I learned so much from my grandma, lessons that will stay with me my entire life. She always went on about how proud she was of me and all of her children and grandchildren, but truth is I was so proud of her. There were so many trials and adversities that she had to endure, and she did. There were so many times when the doctors were sure that the fight was over and then were so surprised when she seemed to be doing so good. I know there were times when she would sit and her room and cry. She said three weeks ago that she was homesick. I know how much she was missing grandpa, I always caught her doodling his name in her word search books. And I know how many times she said she was tired. Tired of not being able to walk and do the things she loved to do. She said she was tired of having to be so dependent on mom and I, but even though we might have complained sometimes truth was we didn’t mind. We knew she would do it all for us if she could, and there were many times when she did. She would take care of me when I was home sick from school. She would fix me 7-up and rice or jell-o. She always seemed to know the right words to say at the right time. I always got such a kick out of trying to watch a movie with her. Trying being the operative word, she never could understand the plots of modern movies. Oh but how she loved her old movies. She would sometimes watch turner classic movies all day long. She would watch 4 or 5 movies all in a row. It is those little things that I cherish most of all. The way I always made her cry when I attempted to play her and grandpa’s song Paper Doll on the organ. She would cry and then tell me stories of her and grandpa. I loved those moments I felt like I was privy to this secret world. She was letting me in on all of these little secrets.

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Father Issues

My Father died this morning. I’ve tried my best to be sad about this, but I just can’t bring myself to be. To say we weren’t close is an understatement. He left my mother when she was still pregnant with me, and I didn’t find him until I was seventeen. I only found him by running a trace on his social, so it wasn’t exactly like he was begging to be a part of my life. I’ve seen him one time in my whole life, and he has never given me a straight answer to anything. He hasn’t even given me an answer to why he did what he did back then, and now I’ll never know. So, I’ve tried my best to conjure up some sad feelings, but all I feel is anger. I’m so angry that he was never what I wanted him to be, and that I was always disappointed by him. Basically I’m angry that I still feel like I could have written this song.

Unforgiven
by FeFe Dobson
Daddy daddy
Why you break your promises to me
Daddy daddy
Don’t you know you hurt me constantly
And there’s something I think you should know
I’m not the little girl you left waiting at home
All the hurt and pain you left with mom and me
Why can’t I be angry
I hope you’re somewhere out there listening to this song
I hope you’re thinking what you did was wrong
Well let me make it crystal clear for you to see
It’s too late for I’m sorry Sorry is a word you like to say
But sorry won’t erase the things you did yesterday
And I want you to know that I didn’t need you anyway
And this rope that we walk on is swaying
And the ties that bind us will never ever fray
But I want for you to know
You areYou are
UnforgivenUnforgiven
Daddy daddy
Fan of absolute simplicity
Daddy daddy
Expert in responsibility
Where were you when I fell down and skinned my knee
Where were you when I was scared to go to sleep
Where were you to soothe my insecurities
Why can’t I be angry
Where were you the first time someone broke my heart
Where were you when I first learned to drive a car
Where were you when I plugged in my first guitar
It’s too late for I’m sorry
And I want you to know that I didn’t need you anyway
And this rope that we walk on is swaying
And the ties that bind us will never ever fray
But I want for you to know
You areYou are
UnforgivenUnforgiven
Sorry is a word you like to say
But sorry won’t erase the things you did yesterday
And I want you to know that I didn’t need you anyway
And this rope that we walk on is swaying
And the ties that bind us will never ever fray
But I want for you to know
You areYou are
UnforgivenUnforgiven
UnforgivenUnforgiven
Unforgiven…

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Family Photo Nightmare

So I am trying to scan and edit all of our old family photographs so that I can then put them all on CD for about 30 of my closest family members. This all started after my grandma’s funeral. Several of my cousins and second cousins and people who are somehow related to me, but I forget exactly how, all came to my house. Everyone enjoyed the photo boards that I put together along with the little memorial paper with the picture around it so much that they wanted to see more photographs. Well, let me tell you how many photographs we have in this house. Thousands upon thousands we are not camera shy people. We have photos of everyone from my great-great-great grandparents to the newest of our family additions. It is overwhelming how many photos we have. Well of course this means we have photos that no one else in the family has, and of course everyone wants them. So I had to open my big mouth and say, "well, I could always scan them and put them on a disk that way you can just print the ones you want." Naturally, everyone found this to be a wonderful idea. "I would love to have one," "Me too," "Oh that would be so nice to have." What did I get myself into. Oh, and I want to get this done by Christmas (to be fair I won’t see my extended family until sometime next year [though I still don’t think I will have it done]). I may have taken on a little too much. I hope everyone has a great Christmas, may you all get everything your heart desires. Oh well, back to scanning.

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