On Her Own

Currently, Madeline is asleep in her own room.  In her own bed.

 

I realize that she is three, and that for most this seems like this should be an obvious statement of facts.  However, this is the first time this has ever happened.  I have mentioned before that we co-sleep with Madeline.

Now that she is three, I know that she really should start sleeping in her own bed.  At least occasionally.  That said, I’m still not sure I’m ready for that.  My anxiety is high.   I’m finding myself staring at the monitor even as I’m typing this.  I’m watching.  I’m resisting the urge to run in and either crawl into bed next her, or just pick her up and bring her back out her with me to cuddle up where I can hold her and constantly reassure myself that she is breathing.

I know that she is fine.

My rationale mind knows this.

It’s just there is this crazy, anxiety-ridden part of my brain that keeps telling me that I need to check that she’s still breathing every 30 seconds.

And I wonder why I’ve been exhausted for the last 4 years.  I basically haven’t slept since I was pregnant the first time around.

She is fine.  I keep staring at the monitor and telling myself this.  The volume is turned all the way up.  I’m just staring now.  I can see the rise and fall of her chest as she breathes.  This reassures me.

She looks so tiny in her big girl bed.

I know I will still go and get her before the night is over.  She won’t stay in there all night.

I’m not ready for that.

Not just yet.


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